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March 23, 2005

Dear Yvette VS. I Need Love: The Dichotomy of LL Cool J

Dear Yvette Vs. I Need Love: The Dichotomy of LL Cool J

I won’t lie. The 5:10 am pickup and 2-hour tour of L.A.’s most cracked-out neighborhoods culminating with the arrival of me at school every morning in the ugly yellow bus with the click-click-click drop-down windows was made bearable by only one thing. And one thing only. LL Cool J records playin on 1580 KDAY. I Need Love. Dear Yvette. And the unforgettable Kanday. It was really that beat, then the I – Feel – Good….About Kandaaaaay. I – Feel – Good. I almost felt like he was speaking to me, or about me,

She's the talk of my room whenever I'm in my room

My little brother loves her more than his favorite cartoon

Her body's bad, the girl's built, skin like silk

Wet, steamy and warm just like a hot cup of milk

She's all the way live, keeps me satisfied

I don't go outside, I like to stay inside

Her ways are like a angel, with bright white wings

And I'm crazy 'bout the way Kanday shakes her thing

Wouldn't leave her for nothin, only a crazy man would

That's why I had to tell ya that (I - feel - good)

And since I was always hated-on, from day one, and always the one girl in the crew or the gang, I heard something of myself in Dear Yvette as well…

B-Boys are hard on the boulevard

The Reverend at the church said you was barred

Homeboys on the block love you a lot

You're a real famous freak whether you like it or not

So before you start walking and your beak starts squawkin'

let me explain to you who is talkin'

I'm L.L. Cool J from around the way

You boogie down to my records almost every day

Go a hundred miles an hour when you're standin' still

You're faster than my Caddy when it's goin' downhill

But I’d say it was I Need Love that set the bar, and gave all us fly young ladies a false hope for the future. Hope that a boy as fine, and fly, and sexy, and with as nice of a body as LL Cool J (then, now he scares me with all those muscles) would one day say things like this to us. The promise he made is like a dream deferred, like a raisin in the sun. It’s like a young Muslimah’s dream of all the gifts under the non-existant X-mas tree. He planted a seed of discontent in all of our young lady minds when he said:

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer

a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger

Friendship, trust honor respect admiration

this whole experience has been such a revelation

It's taught me love and how to be a real man

to always be considerate and do all I can

Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much

my body tingles all over from the slightest touch

Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time

till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine

If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man

I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands

I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive

I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive

I'll search the whole world for that special girl

when I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love

It was around this time I first experienced heartache/heartbreak, and I really got to see some of the evil that men do live and in living color. (I was still too young to realize that my Daddy already had given the worst example of all.) I started to realize, there is no middle ground – it’s either pimp or man-hoe, suave or geeky, strong or weak, love or hate. So by the time Walking With a Panther came out, I was hardened, devoid of my previous naivete. Still, nothing could have prepared me for this…

I was at the mall, sippin' on a milkshake

Playin' the wall, takin' a break

Admirin' the girls with the bamboo earings

Baby hair and bodies built to swing

That's when I seen her

Her name was Tina

Grace and poise kinda like a ballerina

I said, "How you doin', my name's Big L

Don't ask me how I'm livin', 'cause, yo, I'm living swell

But then again I'm livin' kind of foul

'Cause my girl don't know that I'm out on the prowl"

To make a long story short, I got the digits

Calls her on my car phone and paid her a visit

I was spankin' her and thankin' her, chewin' her and doin' her

Layin' like a king on sheets of satin

That's what time it is, you know what's happenin'

She had a big ole booty, I was doin' my duty

I mean, yo, I admit that my girl's a cutie

But Tina was erotic, Earl's my witness

With the kind of legs that put stockings out of business

When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek

But in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak

I sat my girl down, I couldn't hold it in

And said to her with a devilish grin...

TINA got a big ole butt

I know I told you I'd be true

But TINA got a big ole butt

So I'm leavin' you

TINA got a big ole butt

I know I told you I'd be true

But TINA got a big ole butt

So I'm leavin' you

THEN, after leaving his girl for Tina, this knucka go ‘head and cheat on Tina with Brenda!!

Tina busted in my house while I was eatin'

You know what I said

Too bad you caught me cheatin', but...

BRENDA got a big ole butt

I know I told you I'd be true

But BRENDA got a big ole butt

So I'm leavin' you

Now Brenda, that man-stealing bitch shoulda known that karma was fixin’ to jump bad with her, but she still fucked with Cool James…

I walked in the place, everybody was lookin'

And shrimp and steak wasn't the only thing cookin'

I sat down to eat, ordered my food

I said to the waitress, "I don't men to be rude

But I'll take you on a platter"

She said, "You got a girl," I said, "It don't matter

You look like you're tastier than a pipin' hot pizza

What's your name?" She said, "My tag says Lisa"

I said, "O.K., you're smart and all that

But when you get off work, yo, I'll be back"

She looked at me and said, "Make yourself clear

L, where we going?" I said, "Right here"

She looked kind of puzzled, I said, "You'll see"

I pulled up at ten on the D.O.T.

When she walked out the door, I threw my tongue down her throat

Pushed her back inside and pulled off her coat

Laid her on the table and place my order

And gave her a tip much bigger than a quarter

On and on to the break 'a dawn

All over the restaurant, word is born

I heard somebody coughin', I checked my watch

I couldn't believe it said nine o'clock

I grabbed my pants, put on my Kangol

Who did I see, Oh, yo, it was Brenda

Yo, she worked at Red Lobster but I didn't remember

LISA got a big ole butt

I know I told you I'd be true

But LISA got a big ole butt

So I'm leavin' you

See ya

Still, as always, LL sent a confusing, baffling, and often mixed message with One Shot in Love. Since he’d had four shots on Big Ole’ Butt, it was really a conundrum…

Did you ever notice - everytime you fall in love

and it seems like you finally met the perfect match

Everything is perfect, it seems divine

but for some strange reason, there's always a catch

It's a one-way relationship, it hurts inside

One person smirks while the other one cries

Butterflies in the stomach of the one whose in love

It cuts like a knife, the truth mixed with lies

Physical and mental, those are two different loves

Physical's a moment, mental is forever

If the physical fades and gets weak, all of a sudden

Remember, it's the mental love that keeps you together

You gotta be strong and endure the hard times

Cause af-ter hard times, good times, always follow

And when you're kissin and huggin and makin love

treat that person like there's no tomorrow

One shot at love (One shot at love)

Flash forward to modern-day LL, and I’m over it. My heart is cold. My high school sweetheart (who cheated on me with a nasty, blue-eyed, scraggly lookin’ flat ass, no tittie havin’ chick named Marika) committed suicide by hanging himself in his estranged baby’s mother’s parent’s garage. I’d been hurt eight ways to Sunday, nine times out of ten. By this time, I’D even done some foul shit to some good men. I finally realized that my love affair with LL Cool J was over. I realized that whatever he had under his hat, it wasn’t for me. He’d tricked me with psalms of love, caresses of sensuality, and a promise of something Bigger and Deffer. But in actuality, LL was just like a lot of dudes. He knew deep in his heart that he needed love, but the external manifestation of that need ‘caused him to have ego trips. So he flipped the script, taking his internal feelings of caring, warmth, and understanding into an overt persona full of quips, tricks, licks, flips, dicks, chicks and hips. He said he needed love, but all he wanted was sex. So LL, I bid you adieu, and just to let U know, you’ll never ever get to taste my flava Apple Cobbler. Believe that!

Turn that hair 'round, buck them hips

Love when your hair get stuck to your lips

Apple cobbler sweet and thick

I'm gon' eat you 'til I'm sick

Yo' dessert is worth a grip

I admit you make me trip

Make me wanna run to the mall like I'm a trick

I can't believe you're makin a baller have a fit

Trippin, switchin past my clique

Lick that juicy, ask my clique

Stretch them jeans girl make them fit

Make me go outside and pit

You know me, my cake is sick

Me and Timbo makin hits

Apple cobbler, thick and rich

Just how hot can one girl get?

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